My earliest memory of the New Kids On The Block is watching the Nightly News with Peter Jennings and seeing a story about how much money these young guys were making on tour.  I was a news junkie even back then!  Then I remember being in the 5th grade and the big thing was NKOTB pillowcases and I of course had their album on tape.  It’s like I am 11 all over again!  I cannot wait for November 2 when they will be at the St. Pete Times Forum!

I haven’t had enough perspective yet to have a whole host of lessons learned but I do have one rule that I will now strictly enforce.  I will never work with a spouse again.  Not because you are together all the time, because that really wasn’t a problem for me.  And not because you end up talking about work, because while that was somewhat annoying at least we could relate to the stories we told.  I will never work with a spouse again because your private life becomes your work life.

Today one of our security guards asked me where my husband was these days.  I really hate that because I never know what to say.  I really don’t want to get into the whole - well my husband ran off to Canada to become an adulterer story so I just reply diplomatically, “He is pursuing other opportunities”.  My statement is true because he is most certainly pursuing other “opportunities” but I really hate that I have to explain what is going on in my private life at work.  If we never worked together the security guard who was just trying to be nice and show concern if he was sick or something, would never even know him and wouldn’t know that we used to come in together.

Most normal people who are going through a divorce never have to tell anyone outside their private life.  In this case, everyone at work knows us as a couple, knows that we are married and had to know when this all went down because our job affected their job.  In other words - if something goes wrong in your private life and you work with your spouse you can’t get away from the problems.  In some regards it’s been good because I have gotten so much support from my co-workers but I would trade the support for privacy.  And the people at work have been really fabulous about giving me space and privacy but I can see it on their face when they have to talk about something that he worked on.  They don’t want to upset me, which they aren’t, but they also have to explain or attempt to explain what it was that he did or didn’t do and they feel bad for me having to listen to them.  I feel bad that the whole office is having to be part of this marriage implosion and that I have literally no where to go to get away from the drama.

So this will be my rule from now on - no working with a spouse.  I think it’s fine to work at the same location, since my company has multiple buildings on campus and multiple departments but I will never work in the same department with my cubicle next to my spouse.  I will never again make the mistake of letting the lines between my work life and private life become blurred.

Today was a really excellent day.  Nothing spectacular or anything happened, it was just a normal day like any other but it was a really good day.  The black cloud is starting to lift and I feel like I am getting back to my optimistic self.  There was one incident today that I literally can’t stop laughing about.  Every single time I think about it, I crack up.  Laughter really is the best medicine.

Another friend sent this quote to me - it’s from Daniel Patrick Moynihan.  “Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts”.  Very true.  Facts are, more times than not, very different from opinions.  Unfortunately some people think that their opinion becomes the facts but that’s not the case.  Facts are facts.  As the Good Book says - you shall know the truth and the truth shall set your free.

Seriously - cracking up over here!  A good laugh is better than a good cry any day!

On Saturday I donated my wedding dress to the Goodwill.  The good thing is that my dress was not a traditional wedding dress.  I bought it at Dillard’s in Lexington for $100 and it really was a pretty dress.  I’m hoping that someone can use it for prom or something.

I also spent the whole weekend packing up his stuff.  It’s all boxed up and ready to go to a storage unit.  I completely underestimated the positive psychological effect that boxing up his junk would provide.  It allowed me to really clean, and I am starting over with a nice clean and fresh house, and it allowed me some closure.  I wasn’t sad packing it up, more annoyed that this was yet one other item that I would have to take care of.  This way I could throw everything in a box, tape it closed and that was it.  No more sadness, no more memories, no more reminders of happier times.  It’s just all…gone and in boxes.

There was something positive and final about throwing all of those things out and by boxing up his stuff.  Now it’s like I can really start moving on with myself.  Instead of walking in my condo and feeling on edge looking at all his items, I can now walk in and actually relax knowing that I am surrounded by items that matter to me.

I think there really is something to those Feng Shui people, and Feng Shui Girl is laughing at me right now.  I don’t believe in all of it but there definitely was a very negative vibe going on in my place and now it has been replaced by a positive and hopeful vibe.  Who knew that by getting a few boxes my energy flow could improve so much?

My favorite quote of the moment: “Our real blessings often appear to us in the shape of pains, losses and disappointments, but let us have patience and we soon shall see them in their proper figures.”
– Joseph Addison

And the one that made me say to myself - SO TRUE: “Don’t carry a grudge. While you’re carrying a grudge, the other guy’s out dancing.”
– Buddy Hackett

A friend sent me the link to this video.  I didn’t know Jewel was going country now but she sounds great and looks amazing.  I’ll be adding this song to my So Over Him workout mix!

I’m sure everyone is just as taken by the news that Mariah Carey got married in a surprise ceremony as I am.  I’m being sarcastic here seeing as how I didn’t even know who Nick Cannon was until he become Mr. Carey.  I read an article today where Mr. Carey said, “We had so much in common spiritually, and we laugh at the same things. I didn’t have to put on my Mac Daddy suave mode. I was able to be myself with her. We are both eternally 12 years old.”

This is becoming an epidemic!  Why do men think it’s attractive to women to act like they are 12?  Where can I find a man who, I don’t know, acts his age?!?  Boys who really are 12 are bad enough but grown men acting like a tween and being proud of that fact?  Trust me, the 12 year old thing gets old really fast when you have to act like their mother the whole time.  So please - be age appropriate!

I am simply, humbled.  I have no other words to describe how blown away I am at the prayers and support I have received since my last post.  You know the old saying when a crisis hits you learn who your true friends are?  I have learned who my true friends are and I am truly blessed to have SO many people in my life who love and care about me. 

I am a very independent person by nature and very self sufficient.  In some ways that’s great because especially now I have no concerns about living on my own or making it on my own.  The flip side is that my independent streak sometimes makes me unwilling to accept help from other people.  Not because I don’t appreciate it but because I think I can do it all alone.  This is one instance, even more so than cancer, where I have realized that no matter how self sufficient I think I am, I can always use a kind word or loving support.  Perhaps that is my first blessing to come out of all of this - realizing that I have way more people that I can count on than I thought I did. 

When all of this first started happening I felt so alone.  I know I am not the only person in the world to have been cheated on but at the time it felt like I was.  I was embarrassed, why I have no idea because I have nothing to be embarrassed over, and I felt total rejection.  If my own spouse can’t love me anymore why would anyone else love me?  But the fact of the matter is that over the last month I have learned one very important lesson, your true friends love you no matter how crappy your life is at the moment and no matter what they will always be there for you.  To say that I am humbled by the amount of people who have come to my rescue is an understatement.

To everyone who has let me call them all hours of the day and night, crying, cursing, complaining or to laugh - thank you.  To Feng Shui girl who has let me spend the night at her house when I couldn’t stand the thought of sleeping in my bed - thank you.  To the people at work who have given me cards, stopped me in the hallway to offer support or to invite me out to the movies - thank you.  To the people who have offered to help me pack up his belongings that he left here - thank you.  To my neighbors who come to check in on my everyday and see if I need anything - thank you.  To the people who have been brave enough to share their story of divorce and moving on with me - thank you.  To the people who have given me sound and solid advice when I was in full on panic mode - thank you.  But most importantly to the people who are praying for me and who have put me on prayer lists at their church - words cannot express how much I appreciate it.  And finally to my family - I really have no words to describe how much I love and appreciate you.  I could say thank you and I love you all day long and it still doesn’t seem like enough.  Thank you for just being there.  And lastly, I would like to thank the academy for giving me this honor - just kidding!

I know that you are always tested before you are blessed.  I have a very firm belief that I am entering the blessed stage and having so many people in my life loving and supporting me is truly a blessing that I do not take lightly.  I want everyone to know, from the bottom of my heart, I truly appreciate everything that you have done and said over the last month.  I am humbled to have not only the quantity of friends and family that I do but to have quality people in my life.  Someday I hope I can show you the love and support you have shown me.

PS - My Dad = AWESOME

I had this great blog all worked out in my head to announce the news but somehow the words I had thought of escape me.  This is a very difficult blog to write but one that is necessary for me and my healing.  The Bacon and I are divorcing.

If this seems sudden to everyone, it’s because it is sudden.  Especially to me.  The Bacon never came back from his trip to Canada.  He was planning on it but while he was up there I found evidence of an affair, that he had left for me to clearly find, and some of his personal items that he cared about were also gone.  I confronted both of them about it and they denied it, but that’s kind of hard when there are chat transcripts left for me to find, and maintained that they were just “special friends”.  I decided right then and there that I would not be able to put up with this and told him that if he wanted to come back he would need to find another place to live.  I know there are people out there who can work through infidelity and survive but I am not one of them.  Cheating, for me, is a deal breaker.

I had been praying everyday that God would let me love him just a little less each day so that the pain and hurt I felt was at least bearable.  Everyone around me was so outraged and angry but I wasn’t.  I was still in too much shock to be angry.  Instead I was sad and hurt and felt so completely betrayed that I can’t even put it into words.  The Bacon and I have been working out financial issues and what to do with our joint assets and often those conversations would end up with me in tears because I just couldn’t understand how someone I loved so much for the better part of 10 years could do this to me.  How could I have been so stupid to not see the red flags?  How could I have let this happen to me?  How is this even possible?  Is this really how my life is going to turn out?

God works in mysterious ways because this morning I got an email from the Bacon that in one fatal swoop took away all the pain and hurt.  The email was long and rambling because he had been drinking, something he has taken to lately.  The one thing that he said that made it all better was, “I fell in love with Bonnie”.  Obviously my name is not Bonnie.  But somehow reading that made the pain stop.  I finally made the connection within my heart that this wasn’t anything I did or could have stopped or anything that I have any responsibility in at all.  My head has always known those things but this morning my heart finally figured it out too.  Where there was hurt and pain now there is nothing.  I have no more feelings for someone who could have so little respect for me that they turn to someone else and fall in love with them.  I am angry.  Angry that he did this to me.  But truthfully, he doesn’t even deserve my anger.

I am not going to turn this into a Bacon bashing blog.  And as much as I want to publish this homewreckers email address, I won’t.  I have way too much class for that.  I will probably be talking a whole lot about my feelings and how I am working through everything but I’m not going to be talking about he who shall not be named.  He doesn’t deserve the blog space.  For those of you who are concerned, I am doing very well all things considered.  It truly has been amazing how my friends and family have rallied behind me and kept me going these past four weeks.  I am also seeing a therapist who has been really great at helping me to connect the dots so to speak and to give me some advice from an impartial parties perspective about how to handle some situations.  I am doing well and I will make it through this.  I survived cancer!  This should be a walk in the park!

I am planning on staying in Florida for the time being.  It just doesn’t make any sense for me to leave my job, especially in this market.  I keep telling people that I am starting over personally.  I don’t want to have to start over professionally at the same time.  I am going to apply for some jobs in healthcare administration and if I get them it will be great but if not, that will be okay too.  Financially I am in a good position.  Not that it won’t be tight but I can manage all the bills on my own and actually eat so things are good.  I could use any prayers anyone would like to send up.  Not only for me but also for him because I don’t think he has any clue what he is doing to himself.

I never really thought I would be able to say out loud that I am getting divorced or refer to him as my ex-husband.  But I am making progress on that front too.  Today at work I stopped and corrected myself from saying “we” to “I” and it didn’t kill me.  Actually in a way it was liberating.

I heard this song on the radio the other day and cried because I wondered if I would ever be able to sing along and believe in the words.  Today on my way home from work I heard it again and realized that today there are no tears because today I can sing it and mean it.  ‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through, I got over you.

This is Over You by Chris Daughtry

This video is a little cheesy but Daughtry’s label doesn’t allow embedding of the official music video.  You can find it really easy on you tube if you search Daughtry and Over You.

I went to my endocrinologist today and here is an update by the numbers…

TSH - .076.  Considering my TSH was way over 100 when I was hypo this is a HUGE improvement.  I feel fantastic and it just goes to show you that even when my TSH was “normal” at 1.5 it really wasn’t normal for me.  Would my TSH naturally be that low without the help of Synthroid had I still had a cancer free thyroid?  Probably not but all that matters now is that I feel sooooo much better than I have in a very. very long time even if I am clinically hyperactive.

T4 - 15.2.  This is just a hair higher than normal so my doctor kept me on my Synthroid dose as is but told me to take half a pill on Sunday’s.  For the other six days I take the normal dose but then once a week I am down to half a pill.  That change is in an effort to get this number down a little without causing my TSH to increase.  If this number is high it is a good indication of being hyper but I’m not having any hyper side effects.  Even so, he would still like this down a little just so I don’t develop side effects in the future.

Thyroidglobulin (aka the tumor marker) - UNDECTABLE.  Whoooo hooooo! 

6 months - The length of time I have “officially” been declared cancer free!

26 pounds - The amount of weight I have lost since the first of the year (according to the doctor’s scale but who cares?  It’s lower so I will take it no matter what scale it happens to be on!).  I am going to be brave and try on my skinny jeans here soon.  Wish me luck!  I’m hoping to be down 30 pounds by the end of May.  Actually I think I could be down even more than that but 30 pounds by Memorial Day would make me very happy.